I failed as a woman
FINDING STRENGTH BEYOND LOSS
From the depths of despair to the pinnacle of strength, my journey through infertility and pregnancy loss has been both heartbreaking and transformative. Sitting on the bathroom floor, cradling the proof of a life that had slipped away too soon, I faced the abyss of grief. It was in those moments, surrounded by silence and sorrow, that I struggled to find a reason to continue the fight. The sight of my husband's tears, mourning the loss of what could have been, left me feeling utterly defeated. In his eyes, I saw not just sadness but a reflection of my own perceived failures—I had failed as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother before I even had the chance to embrace my child. I remember looking at my baby and holding her as my husband walked into the bathroom. It felt like a scary movie that was real. I asked him how to save her…I felt like I had mentally lost it. I was not okay….literally not okay.
My anger was boundless. It consumed me, leading me down a path where I hated everything and everyone. This emotional turmoil became the catalyst for my immersion into my career, a refuge where I felt I could exert some control over my life. Despite doing everything 'right,' the outcome remained cruelly the same: no baby. My husband, too, felt a profound sense of brokenness, haunted by the fact that he couldn't 'fix' our reality or fulfill our shared dream of starting a family. Everyday we leaned on each-other for the support, but we also felt guilty because we both kept thinking it was our fault…we felt we were disappointing the other person always. Was it him, was it me…We had zero answers, but it drove us closer.
The fleeting joy of discovering our honeymoon baby, a miracle that promised so much happiness, was crushed all too soon, leading us to retreat from friends, family, and the world. I clung to the ultrasound images of my baby, a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. The repeated losses were not just emotionally devastating but served as harsh reminders of my body's refusal to do what I felt it should naturally accomplish—carry a child to term. I wanted to punch my self…I wanted to take out some anger on myself due to blaming myself for this whole process. I didn’t but let me tell you there was some really dark days.
It was in this darkness that I began to explore manifestation and visualization, seeking solace and hope in the power of thought and intention. Despite every effort, including IUI treatments and facing the challenges posed by interstitial cystitis, the dream seemed increasingly out of reach. The moment I found myself on a treatment table, ready to give up, my husband's support was unwavering. We made the decision to leave that path behind, embracing the understanding that while we deeply desired a child, it was not our sole purpose in life.
In an effort to reclaim my well-being, I embarked on the 75 Hard challenge, focusing on my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Then, on an ordinary day marked by an unusual feeling of exhaustion, an unexpected discovery changed everything: a positive pregnancy test. The joy and fear that filled me were indescribable, but the encouraging words from my doctor filled us with hope. My daughter, Charlotte, became my little warrior, my survivor, and the most beautiful rainbow after the storm.
Charlotte is a testament to resilience and love, embodying traits of kindness, fierceness, and an undeniable impact on those around her. Her presence in my life is a constant reminder of the joy that can emerge from profound sorrow.
To anyone who perceives another's life as effortlessly perfect, remember that behind every facade of strength and success, there may lie a journey marked by immense struggle and perseverance. My years of heartache, isolation, and mourning for the babies I lost have culminated in the greatest gift—my daughter. Through all the pain and loss, I've learned that my true purpose extends beyond my work and the obstacles I've faced.
As I prepare to launch my infertility support program ….I extend an invitation to women who share this path of pain and hope. Remember, toughness was not just an option for me; it was a necessity. Through my journey, I aim to offer support and a beacon of hope to others facing similar struggles. Stay tuned, and remember, you are not alone.
I understand how painful this is…I understand the heartache, the anger…the frustration and the days you just really want to give up.
Remember to find purpose before a baby…find personal purpose….do not make people your purpose because if you do and they fail you than your purpose is gone….
It is why I encourage everyone to have personal purpose. Cannot wait to launch my purpose program!
Stay Divine,
Amanda Fritscher
